(GRENADA, MS)--SurrealBody brand support pantyhose, which guarantee wearers supermodel-quality abs, butt and thighs, are being yanked from store shelves following a series of numerous and bizarre deaths, purportedly caused by constriction.
The deaths come shortly after the promising pantyhose hit store shelves yesterday. SurrealBody spokesperson Vera Chubb claims it is “obvious that the pantyhose are intended only for those persons within 300 pounds of being a supermodel, and anything beyond that is just plain silly."
“I sold more pantyhose in one day than I have in my entire life,” says Belk department store salesman Norman Fateful, following his release from the University Medical Center emergency room after being treated for injuries occurring during the sale. “The store manager had no sooner unlocked the front doors of the store, until I felt the floor trembling beneath me. I put my ear to the floor to listen...and that’s all I remember before waking up in the hospital.” Mr. Fateful is expected to recover fully but the experience has left him mentally rattled. He will require several months of therapy at the Mississippi State Hospital at Whitfield.
Police officer Bob Straight, accompanied by Jackson Mayor Frank Melton, tracked a portly trail of cadavers and miscellaneous torn and busted clothing (all donning SurrealBody Supermodel Super Support pantyhose) leading back to the Belk hosiery department at the Metrocenter Mall.
SurrealBody's financial future is unquestionably in question over the pantyhose incident, all this in the wake of the release of their Boolingerie brand helium-enhanced bra. The new bra has been carefully examined by the IBTC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee) before being approved for distribution. The bra, under development for several years, has finally been released after setbacks involving leakage of helium which is purported to trigger sudden vocal changes. FBS (Floating Breast Syndrome) was also a purported problem, along with the need to wear a bra-supporting helium tank which is strapped to a woman’s back. SurrealBody is currently attempting to glamorize the required helium tank as a fashionable accessory, offering gold leafed, leather, and Indian beaded models along with matching purses and shoes. Hi-tech textiles ensuring a leak-free bra cup are currently being patented for exclusive use by SurrealBody.
The potential financial damage incurred with the supermodel pantyhose incident is speculated to be in the range of 10 bizillion dollars, however, SurrealBody is not revealing the cost of the bra patent, nor the amount of damages incurred with the pantyhose incident.