©2014 The Gnat
Companies Opposing Birth Control Really Suck at Math
By Hepzibah Skeptika
(WASHINGTON, DC)--The Gnat is following the current court case involving the Crafters for the Hereafter chain of stores who oppose the birth-control mandate for insurance provided to its employees. The store objects to providing birth control to women on the grounds that "We would be subsidizing their slutty lifestyle. We don't mind paying for Viagra for men or that other drug where the couple holds hands from separate bathtubs. No, we believe God meant for doctors to discover medicines for and promote male erections, even though the wives in those commercials are sluts if they enjoy the husband's boners. But we draw the line at birth control for women, even though the Bible has nothing actually to say about it. What matters is how we interpret the contradictory 3,000-year-old baffling book! Further, if we decide to convert to Christian Science, our employees need not expect blood transfusions. It's our right to deny them silly things like that or insulin!"
When our Gnat reporter asked the CEO, Cotton Dimmesdale, if it would not be much cheaper to provide birth control than insure the 20 or more children that a fertile woman denied access would have, he had this to say:
"It's not about the money. It's about religious freedom. By that I mean religious freedom the way we think it should be, the fundamental Christian extreme right-wing way, no one else's way. It's about twisting things around to how we want them to be in order to discriminate against whomever we want on the grounds that they are sinners and we don't like them. Women ought to marry young, like Duck Dynasty dude said, and must be made to produce 20 or more children against their will. Never mind if we go bankrupt insuring all those kids. We're already paying lawyers a butt-load of money to avoid ponying up a few bucks a month for the pill! We will have proven our point."
Dimmesdale also revealed that the company is working with their agents to initiate legislation that would require all females over the age of 12 to forfeit every pair of shoes they own, and to completely forbid the wearing of shoes by all females. "We can recycle the materials from all the shoes to make new products and save a ton of money. We'll get kudos for being a green company," Dimmesdale said. The legislation would also mandate that once a girl has "bled" she must be impregnated within a year, or serve time in a special labor camp where the women will pick cotton and cut sugarcane (depending on the season) from dawn to dusk, while being terrorized by brutal overseers with whips and pistols.
When the Gnat staff pointed out that the most religious states have the highest infant mortality rates and worst education statistics in the country, Mr. Dimmesdale replied, "We think that's a healthy thing. Life is hard, and babies better get used to it. They must toughen up early. They don't need to aspire to any high-falutin' 8th-grade education or expect health care, and the sooner women realize they exist to be men's chattel, the better off we will all be. I have a master's degree like Duck Dynasty dude, but that doesn't mean others, certainly not females, should hope for one."
The Gnat also interviewed a distinguished actuary, Ms. Ima Counting, who after a split second of deliberation stated, "They should just fork over the bleeping pill money!"
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